MEMO FROM THE NATIONAL AFFAIRS DESK
DATE: JANUARY 25, 2016
FROM: DR. KURT G. DOONESBURY
SUBJECT: HOME SWEET HOME

NYC, NEW YORK. January 26, 2016— I woke up this morning as I typically do every morning and I hope to continue doing hopefully for the next thirty-some-odd years. But this morning was a bit different. I opened my phone as I groggily attempted to get my day started sans coffee. Eh, that’s just fancy talk for “I checked Facebook before dragging my ass out of bed to make coffee…” Anyway, what made today different was that my hometown was trending on Facebook. The one positive thing about checking trending topics on my phone is that it leaves a bit of mystery and some room for dread as it only shows the trending keywords. In this case, “Crossville, Tennessee” was showing up as trending. My first thought was, “Ah, hell, what did we do now?”

First off, here is Crossville:

In the early 1800’s, it was known as Lambeth’s Crossroads due to a store own by Samuel Lambeth that was located at what has become the modern intersection of Main Street and Stanley Street and for the fact that it was pretty much the middle point for all major cities in Tennessee:

This is Main Street, where high school students used to cruise since the town didn’t offer much else to do besides drugs and sex:

This is the Palace Theater, where my parents went on their first date to see The Spy Who Loved Me and where my aunt organizes live music (Hey, she got Jace Everett once and he gave me a guitar lesson…):

This is Horace Burgess’s Treehouse, also known as the unofficial world’s largest treehouse:

This is the bridge to our State Park which was built as part of the greater Cumberland Homesteads Project, a New Deal-era initiative by the Resettlement Administration that helped relocate poverty-stricken families on the Cumberland Plateau to small farms in Crossville:

This was our statue of the Flying Spaghetti Monster on our Free Speech Lawn that caught national attention and ended the Free Speech Lawn, which was probably just meant to hold Christian-themed items and not, you know, anything Free-Speech-like that could offend anyone…:

And this is our Verizon store, where a 7 year old was shot in the head by another child in a parked car:

Four children were left in the vehicle, while mother and stepfather of the now deceased child went into the store to pay a bill. The mother left her purse in the car and one of the children found a semi-automatic pistol inside of it. The child attempted to remove the magazine when the gun “accidentally” fired, hitting the 7 year old boy in the head. By the time police arrived, they found the bleeding boy and he was airlifted to a Knoxville trauma center where he later died from his wound.

The police are calling this a tragic accidental shooting and haven’t released if there will be any charges brought against the mother or stepfather. The media, doing what it does best, found the hick-est person they could find to interview about the shooting. The mother holding a little child had this to say:

I think it’s sad… and prayin’ for the family…. The kid should’ve been taught better.

Well… the kid sure did learn something he will have to live with for the rest of his life. But, seriously now folks, the “kid should’ve been taught better”? How about, the kid shouldn’t have had access to the gun in the first place? Or maybe, how about the mom shouldn’t be toting a fucking gun around to do shopping with her kids in goddamn Crossville, Tennessee? My hometown isn’t that shady of a place…. Sure, a couple of years ago a car full of kids were shot by their drug dealer, but it isn’t all that likely you are going to face a real need that would require a gun while out shopping at Wal-Mart or Verizon. Unless you are going to Wal-Mart or Verizon to meet your drug dealer… which might be likely.

Ye gods, I’m tired of this shit. And I know a lot of people are. So, I’d once again like to remind people that you can write your elected officials and let them know you are tired of children being murdered by guns and that we require action to be taken. If you would like to do so you can find out how to contact them here:

https://www.usa.gov/elected-officials

Ciao,
Dr. D.